Narrated in vernacular Malaysian English and flaunting its particular syntax, “Cockroach” offers a glimpse into the life of two young boys struggling to fit into society’s scripted role of masculinity and finding unexpected relief when they fail.

— Raaza Jamshed for Guernica Global Spotlights

Actually I don’t know that there is a cockroach in the kitchen at first. I’m in the kitchen because I’m thirsty, so I come to get the water. It’s very dark, but I’m a big boy already, so I’m not scared. Kor Kor say that I must be a big boy, because now Mummy isn’t staying with us and he cannot always take care of me.

I don’t need to on the kitchen light because I already know where to get the cup and pour the water. I wash my cup and put it back when suddenly I hear got one noise, like something is moving on the floor. I’m not scared, but I just want to see what is the thing. So I on the light.

The cockroach is there in one corner.

It is near the cabinet and not moving; only the antenna is moving, like it is looking for something. Maybe I feel a little bit scared when I see the cockroach because it’s very big. I never see such a big cockroach before. I’m scared that if I move, it will faster run away or fly up suddenly. The cockroach is very fast, you know. They can suddenly move their legs, and when you want to catch it, they will already go under the fridge or the washing machine.

Maybe I can shout for Kor Kor so that he can come and help. But I’m scared the cockroach will feel surprised by the loud noise and run away. Anyway, Kor Kor is sleeping. He will always do his revision at night and won’t sleep until very late, but now he got work early tomorrow morning, so he already go to sleep. He work part-time at the 7-Eleven near our flat, so he is always tired when he come back. That’s why Kor Kor is always angry if I wake him up from his sleep. I know what he will say also. He will ask why I’m shouting in the middle of the night and why I cannot catch the cockroach myself. He will ask, Cockroach big, so what? It can bite you? It can kill you? No, right? Or he will just say, If you don’t dare to catch, then you don’t need to catch.

But if I don’t catch the cockroach, that means it will run in the kitchen every night. Then I cannot go to sleep, even when I’m not thirsty anymore. If the kitchen is clean, then the cockroach shouldn’t be in there. That’s what Mummy always say. I don’t want her to come back and see the cockroach. Then she will think that we never take care of the house the whole time she stay in the hospital. She tell me before, we are big boys, so we must also learn to take care of the house. If not, who will take care for us?

I cannot wake up Kor Kor, and I cannot let the cockroach simply run around. So I must catch it all alone. I look around the kitchen. Maybe I can use a cup? But all the cups are very small. The cockroach can run away very easily before the cup can catch it. Then I see the cardboard box that Kor Kor always use when he go shopping for food. He don’t like to use plastic bag, so he will use the box to carry back the food, like biscuit and vegetable and rice.

I slowly take the box. The cockroach still don’t move. But when I move near the cockroach, suddenly it start to run! I’m a bit surprised, and I faster jump back. I’m scared that it will fly up into my face and make me shout, and Kor Kor will wake up. But it run on the floor only. It run beside the cabinet. Then it stop near the table.

I got a good idea. I slowly go and off the light. Now the cockroach won’t be scared by my shadow when I try to catch it. Then I wait until my eyes can see. After a while I can see the cockroach still near the table. It’s like a small shadow. I go to the other side of the table and climb up. I try not to make any noise, and I crawl on top of the table and go to the other side. The cockroach is still down there on the floor.

I bend over the table and very, very slowly put the open side of the box onto the floor. The cockroach never move, and I catch it in the box! I don’t know if it didn’t see the box, or maybe it is just tired from running around.

I feel happy that I can catch the cockroach all alone without waking up Kor Kor. After I on back the light, I can see the antenna come out under the box. It’s scary because they are moving like the cockroach is thinking to run out. The cardboard box is very light, and I think this cockroach must be very strong. So I take the biggest frying pan and put on the box so that the cockroach won’t fly up and turn over the box or try to squeeze out from under. Then I write “COCKROACH” big big on a paper and put the paper in the frying pan. Like this Kor Kor will know there is a cockroach inside, and he won’t think I’m just simply moving his cardboard box, and he won’t simply take up the box and let the cockroach run away.

Tomorrow morning I check the box again. Kor Kor already go to work, but the frying pan is still there, so I know he already read the paper. But now I cannot see the cockroach antenna. At first I’m scared that the cockroach run away after I go to sleep. Maybe it is not just big but also clever, and it only pretend to be trapped at first. But I check all around the box again, and there is really no space for the cockroach to squeeze out from under. Anyway, I don’t dare to take up the box and check, so I think the cockroach must still be inside.

Maybe it is not trying to run away now, so it keep back its antenna in the box. I feel pity for the cockroach because it is trapped in the box whole night and maybe it cannot sleep because it is scared. Mummy always say that cockroach like the dark-dark place, but maybe it is still scared that it cannot run away. I open a Hacks sweet and put near the box, but the cockroach never put out the antenna to look for the sweet. Then I’m worried that maybe the cockroach got no appetite. That means it is sick, because when I got no appetite, Mummy will worry that I’m sick. And when we go to see Mummy in the hospital, she always have no appetite also, and I have to eat her pudding or they will throw away. I like the pudding taste, so I’m happy when I can eat the pudding. But I’m scared that Mummy got no appetite until she don’t even want to eat something so nice like the pudding.

I try and put a banana near the box because I remember that Mummy will still eat her banana in the hospital. So maybe the cockroach will like the banana smell, even when it got no appetite. But the cockroach still don’t put out its antenna. So I think maybe now is too bright and the cockroach is scared and it will only put out its antenna at night.

Later, when Kor Kor come home, he ask about the cockroach, and I tell him the whole story of how I catch it in the box because I don’t want to wake him up. Kor Kor never say thank you or say I’m a big boy because I can catch the cockroach all alone now. But Kor Kor is always like that. Only Mummy will say that type of thing. Kor Kor only say he is surprised about the cockroach because our flat is on the fifteen floor, so usually we won’t see so many insect here. When he say that, I think how the cockroach climb the whole way from the ground floor to here. I feel pity for the cockroach because it must be very tired.

Kor Kor want to let out the cockroach and kill it with old newspaper. He say that’s what Mummy will always do. But I say no. Kor Kor ask me why, and I say it is very geli to see the cockroach die like that. Actually it is because I feel pity for the cockroach. I always feel pity also when Mummy kill the lizard or the spider. Because they are only hungry and they help us to eat other insect, like the mosquito. I don’t feel pity for the mosquito because they always bite me and make me itchy, and in school they tell us how mosquito can make us sick and even go to the hospital. I ask Kor Kor before if Mummy is staying in the hospital because she got bitten by the mosquito, but Kor Kor only look sad and say no, it is another type of sick.

Anyway, when I say I don’t want to kill the cockroach with old newspaper, Kor Kor look angry and say that I must take care of the cockroach myself. He say he is very busy and have no time to kill the cockroach for me. He say, And put back the frying pan also. Then he go into his room and close the door a bit loud. He must be doing his revision. I don’t care because I am happy that he won’t kill the cockroach.

I am worried that at night me or Kor Kor will accidentally kick over the box if I take away the frying pan. So I get one layer of old newspaper and put it on the floor. Then very, very slowly I move the box over the newspaper. The newspaper is very thin, so I can do it and not move the box up from the floor. Like this the cockroach won’t have space to run out, even when I’m moving the box. Then when the box is on top of the newspaper, I use the cellophane tape to tape the newspaper to all the side of the box. Now if we accidentally kick over the box, the newspaper will still cover the open side and the cockroach won’t run away.

When I tape the box, I think, What if the cockroach is worried by all this moving and feel even more sick? But I think he is a big boy also, like Kor Kor and me, so he must be a brave cockroach. Mummy say big boys must be brave. Anyway, the cockroach don’t need to worry because I will take care of him. That’s what Kor Kor ask me to do also. I can take care of the house, and I can take care of the cockroach.

Last time in Standard One, the teacher tell us that living things have the basic needs and nonliving things don’t have. The cockroach is a living thing; that means he will need air, water, food to survive. So I take a sharp pencil and poke five holes in the newspaper. The cockroach cannot run out from the holes because they are very small, but now he can breathe because it’s not airtight like the Tupperware. For water I pour a little bit of water on top of the cardboard box. Like this the water will go through the cardboard, and the cockroach can drink it from the inside. I don’t know how to put food inside the box, but when I find on the internet, they say cockroach can eat cardboard also.

Then I was scared that what if he eat the cardboard and make a big hole to run away? So I knock on Kor Kor’s door and ask him.

At first he never answer me, but I knock and knock until he shout back that the cockroach will eat very slowly, so he will not make a big hole. Then I feel happy that now the cockroach got food to eat and he won’t run away also. I think maybe the cardboard won’t taste so nice, not like pudding, so maybe the cockroach won’t have appetite. But the internet say the cockroach will be happy to eat the cardboard. They also say that the cockroach can still live for one month, even when it got no food to eat. Like this I am not worried. I think the cockroach must also know that I’m taking care of him because I am giving him the basic needs. So maybe he won’t try to run away just like that.

The next morning I got school, so I only have time to pour a bit of water on the box. Then when I come home, the box is gone! I find everywhere in the kitchen and my room and even Kor Kor’s room, but I cannot find the box! I want to ask Kor Kor, but on the school day he always come home more early than me, and then he will go to work. So I keep finding and waiting for Kor Kor to come back.

When he is back, I faster ask him where is the box. He look angry when he see me because I am still wearing my school uniform. He ask why I didn’t shower and if I got finish my homework or not. I say, Not yet because I am finding for the box, and I ask if he know where is the box. Then Kor Kor say he already take the box to the recycling bin downstairs. He say since I geli to see the cockroach getting killed, he just recycle the whole box for me. He say he have to take care of it because I didn’t take care of it.

Then I get angry at Kor Kor. I didn’t get angry at Kor Kor for a long time, but now I’m very angry! I say I got take care of the cockroach; I got give him food, air, and water! Kor Kor suddenly laugh and laugh and say, Not take care of it like that. And he keep on laughing. I don’t understand at all. I feel my head is becoming hot, and I start to beat Kor Kor. I shout, You stupid head, cockroach is cockroach; cockroach cannot be recycled! I know I’m correct because in school they got teach us that brown is for glass, blue is for paper, and orange is for plastic and aluminium. So Kor Kor can put the box and the old newspaper in the blue-color bin, but he cannot put the cockroach inside because the cockroach is not paper!

I keep shouting and beating Kor Kor, and I think he is a bit surprised. He say, I’m just helping you to take care of the problem. Then I say that the cockroach is not a problem and I’m taking care of him. So Kor Kor take my hand and stop me beating him. He ask if I want to go downstairs and take the box. I stop shouting, and I faster nod my head.

Kor Kor bring me downstairs, and luckily the cardboard box is still there and the old newspaper is still covering it. I check the box to see that there’s no hole that can let the cockroach run out. Luckily also it’s not spoilt. I say to the cockroach, Don’t worry, I will still take care of you. When we go back upstairs, Kor Kor look at me and he say very seriously, Okay, if you want to take care of it, then we must do it properly.

He show how to cut a big plastic bottle at the top. He say we can keep the cockroach here and use a plastic bag and rubber band to cover the top and poke some holes. Then he can use back the cardboard box, and I can see the cockroach, and the cockroach can see outside also.

Then he ask me to hold the plastic bottle and get ready. When I’m ready, he faster cut a small hole in the newspaper that cover the box. I hold the plastic bottle outside the hole, and he faster hold the box upside down so that the cockroach will fall into the bottle. But the cockroach don’t come out, not even the antenna. Maybe he is scared of the light. So Kor Kor start shaking the box. Then suddenly he shake the box too hard, and the plastic bottle make a big hole in the newspaper and the cockroach run out!

I shout, and Kor Kor shout also. At first the cockroach run in one circle, like maybe he is lost for a while. Kor Kor faster drop the box and take the broom and stop the cockroach so that he cannot run under the fridge. Then I think the plastic bottle is too small, like the cup, and I better use the box to catch back the cockroach like last time. I take the box, and now the cockroach run away from the fridge and run near me! So I bang down the box on the floor very fast on top of him!

At first I think I already catch him, but then Kor Kor point at the box. I go to the other side and see only half of the cockroach body. It’s like last time when the antenna come out from under the box, but this time not just the antenna but half of the body. The cockroach leg and antenna are still moving but only a bit, like he is very tired. Then he stop moving. Kor Kor take up the box, and I see that his body is broken in the middle because I bang down the box too hard. If the cockroach is inside, I will catch him, and if he is outside, he will run away. But now because he is half inside and half outside, he already die.

I think Kor Kor know that I feel sad, because he never scold me for killing the cockroach. Kor Kor just use the old newspaper to pick up the cockroach and drop him into the toilet bowl. I don’t even cry because I know I have to be a big boy and also it’s all my fault that I kill the cockroach. But Kor Kor don’t flush the toilet straightaway. He look at me and he ask in a very nice voice if I want to say goodbye to the cockroach. I don’t understand why Kor Kor is suddenly so nice and why I suddenly want to cry.

I go over to the toilet bowl and I say goodbye to the cockroach. I also say sorry that I want to take care of it but I accidentally kill it. I see the cockroach floating in the toilet bowl and suddenly I cry loudly, even when I don’t want. I faster hide my face so Kor Kor won’t think I’m not a big boy. But Kor Kor never say anything. He only hug me and pat my back. Kor Kor say it’s not my fault and it’s good that I want to take care of the cockroach. Suddenly his voice become very blurry and his body is shaking and I see that he is crying also. I feel very surprised because Kor Kor is really a big boy, not like me. I never know that he will still cry because of a cockroach. But maybe even Kor Kor will cry because of many things.

I just hug him back. I don’t ask him anything, like why he is crying or why he still not yet flush the cockroach. I just let him cry because I remember that every time I cry, afterward I will feel more tired but also a little bit happy. Maybe that’s what Kor Kor will feel also.

“Cockroach,” by Yee Heng Yeh, originally published by Working Desk Publishing, which describes itself as “a publishing house dedicated to publishing, promoting, and distributing zines by local Malays.”